


Nolite te Bastardes Carborundorum

by redFreckles



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Eventual Happy Ending, If exy didn't exist and Neil's father still sold him, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Inspired by the Handmaid's Tale, M/M, Neil Centric, Slavery, Victim Blaming, its gonna be dark, not as dark as handmaid tho, so you know
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-11
Updated: 2017-06-28
Packaged: 2018-10-17 11:17:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10592913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redFreckles/pseuds/redFreckles
Summary: It's probably Stockholm syndrome. It was only a matter of time, Nathaniel supposes. Years of violence of all sorts finally catching up to him, these four walls finally collapsing around him, Neil's firm resolve to not be broken slipping out from underneath Nathaniel's uncertainty and folding in on it's own shattered surface.Nathaniel hates Neil, sometimes, for what he means, what he represents. A hope long lost in the hands of his father as he sold him to the devil.Or in which Neil is sold, but not to the Moriyama's.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> wow ok, so i recently finished the handmaids tale and got a wave of inspiration for this fic (its not taking any content from the book tho, so you dont have to read it to understand this). That being said this is probably the darkest thing ive ever written (Which i keep saying with each tfc fic i write maybe i should stop writing for this fandom its making my writing dark af) so be weary of the tags and warnings! I will definitely post warnings before each chapter so watch out for those
> 
> Warnings:  
> victim blaming, implied rape, implied child abuse, graphic descriptions of violence, descriptions of rape fantasy (message me if you need to know more), implied sex slavery/human trafficking

The mansion is vast and decorated simply, a few paintings here and there from the Renaissance era, a vase or two scattered around the house purposefully to look discarded, as if the owner had hundreds of vases that were worth well over millions of dollars and didn't care if a few got broken. There's a balcony on each floor that spans a room's width and the white stone columns that makes up the railings has small carved roses twisted down the poles. There's a ballroom, and a white room, and a dining room, and a party room that's supposedly different than the ball room even though they look the same, and ten bedrooms that never get used but are dusted and cleaned daily anyway. All of the walls are painted a pretty shade of pink, almost white in certain lights, giving a warmth to the halls.

Neil despises every inch of this place.

Neil lives on the sixth floor up, the top floor, though Neil wouldn't exactly call it 'living'. More so 'imprisonment', or 'torture'. Not that there's any point in arguing the semantics. It doesn't change the circumstances.

The room he's put in (He refuses to call it _his_ ), is overly large, with a chandelier (that only emits dim lighting and is only there for aesthetic value), a king sized bed (which of Neil never does any sleeping on), a bathroom (with no lock), a small window (that doesn't open), a dresser (which holds all the clothes Neil didn't buy but had bought for him), and a large heavy door (that is always closed and bolted from the outside). Other than that, there is a portrait of the owner of the house that's bolted to the opposing wall from the bed, and Neil's thoughts, which are really the only thing he has to keep himself occupied unless permitted otherwise.

Permitted. Another reminder of where he stands here, in this ridiculously huge house.

\----------

"May I go out today?" Neil says in fluent french, and as passively as can through clinched teeth. Having to ask permission always leaves a bitter taste on his tongue and a burning fire in his gut but Neil has learned when to pick his battles. Well. Mostly. Only on the days when the four walls of the too large room feels too much like he's drowning, which has been concernedly more frequent as of late.

Adrian Beaumont is an extremely pretentious and arrogant name for an extremely pretentious and arrogant bastard. At the foot of the bed he takes a dramatic pause before finishing buttoning his shirt. There's a certain smugness in his voice as he says back in french, "Hmm. No. Say it again. Politely."

Neil remembers a time when murder horrified him. He remembers watching his father chop up people and having to choke his own vomit down at the sounds. He remembers the startling sickness that came after seeing someone get shot down by his mother. He remembers recoiling back from Lola's high pitched unhinged laugh before she tore into someone. He remembers when even the sight of a blade made him flinch back.

Sometimes, on the bad days ( ~~every day~~ ), Neil fantasizes about getting his hands on a knife and doing exactly what his father taught him to Adrian.

Through gritted teeth and clenched fists Neil manages out, "May I go out today, _please_?"

Adrian turns to look at him, a cheerful light in his eyes (that always makes Neil sick to his stomach), and a sneer to his lips. "Hmm. I suppose you've earned it. A half an hour, or an hour, if you make up the time when you get back." That disgustingly smug smile is back and Neil has never wanted anything so badly then to wipe it off his awful face and change the expression to a bloody and terrified one.

He always does this, makes Neil choose, like there's actually a choice. Neil knows from experience that taking the half hour is a mistake. Adrian will take it as an insult, and the thirty minutes of freedom isn't worth the punishment that comes afterward.

"I'll make it up to you." Neil says quietly, looking down and hoping that his murderous rage isn't apparent.

Adrian nods satisfied, shifting his cufflinks as if they needed fixing before standing up. "Be ready in ten minutes. I'll have Lucas drive you around." _and keeping an eye on you_ , goes unsaid but Neil can hear it clearly and nods.

"Thank you." Neil forces himself to say, the words feeling like ash in his mouth.

Adrian gives him a look of approval before swiftly walking to the door, walking purposefully to look like he's making no effort at all. The door shuts behind him with three clicks, a telltale sign of the locks being put back in place.

Neil let's out a shuddering breath once he's gone and pushes down a sob. His body aches everywhere, bruises along his neck and back and hips and places Neil refuses to acknowledge. Neil allows himself to breathe for a moment, to clench at the bed sheets and shut his eyes tight, before forcing his body to move. Standing is hard, and it hurts more than Neil would like to think about, but it's not impossible so he sucks in a breath, squares his shoulders, and trenches through the pain. Liquid that he won't name runs slowly down his thighs and legs, dripping into the carpet that will be cleaned as soon as he leaves.

Neil closes the bathroom door, even though it's pointless. It doesn't lock, and if someone wanted to, they could open it with no trouble at all, but the illusion of privacy is a piece of sanity Neil can't afford to lose.

Neil takes a quick shower, moving fast despite the way his body disapproves, and dresses in a way that won't make Adrian angry: a plain black shirt, dark pants that aren't too tight or too loose but still don't fit right, and a black hoodie that he zips up. He pushes the hood over his hair, only a few curls making their way out.

There's a twenty on the dresser, an occasional 'gift' when Adrian is feeling especially charitable. Neil pockets the money and ignores the sick feeling it brings.

By the time he ties his shoes, Lucas is knocking on the door and opening it, not waiting for a response.

Lucas gives him an irritated look and makes an impatient hand gesture. "Well?"

Neil stands up, conscious of how he moves and making sure the limp stays out of his walk despite the pain it brings. Lucas is not a man you show weakness in front of, even if he's not allowed to touch Neil.

The five flights of stairs do not help make this easy, and by the time they make it outside and to the car Neil can feel a well of blood staining his inner thighs. Thankfully his pants dark color hide it but it doesn't stop it from feeling unpleasant.

Neil straps down his seat belt in the passenger seat as Lucas turns the key to the discreet looking black vehicle. He grumbles annoyed, most likely upset that he has to take time out of his day to chauffeur Neil around.

"You know I have better things to do right? I didn't take this job to be a whore's babysitter." Lucas says angrily. Neil turns his head to the window, ignoring Lucas and his usual bull in favor of soaking up the outside world.

"Such fucking bullshit, I have five other assignments, important assignments that I _should_ be doing, but god forbid if Beaumont's mistress wants to go for a walk." When he says assignments he means dates with his girlfriend, Rebecka, with a 'k'. He always seems to have a date with her on the days Neil asks to go out and resents him more than a little for it. Also the fact that he finds Neil attractive doesn't help.

"Your life. So hard." Neil says dryly, not looking away from the window.

Lucas makes a sound of disbelief. "I can't believe he let's you talk like that, or even dress like that for fucks sake, I swear, if I were him I would wreck you so bad you wouldn't even speak another word without my approval."

Neil sighs at the dress comment, knowing that if Lucas finds it inappropriate so will Adrian. Neil never seems to be able to dress 'properly' in their eyes. He tugs at his still wet hair, wondering if that's the problem this time, before pulling off his hood and turning slowly to look at Lucas with a smile that is entirely his father's.

"Please, continue speaking, I'm sure your boss will want to know _all_ of the details of what you really want to do to me." Lucas squirms in his seat and Neil leans over his armrest, pushing himself into the space near Lucas' ear.

"What would you do to me huh?" Neil says lowly, watching as Lucas' pupils dilate, "You seem like the kind of guy that goes rough, would you beat me, black and blue, push me down onto the floor, fingers around my neck as you fuck me?"

This is a double edged sword, a game that hurts both parties, but it's the only weapon Neil has, the only sort of power, and watching Lucas' hands turn white with how hard he's holding the steering wheel makes up for the panic and disgust that wells up inside him with the words.

Neil smirks, "Or would you make me beg for it, tie my hands behind my back and make me choke on your dick." Neil's lips are barely a centimeter away from his ear.

Lucas let's out a ragged breath and the car jerks before he can right it. His pants are already tented, and Neil laughs at the sight.

"Turn up here." Neil says before falling back into his seat and pulling his hood back up, finished with his game and ignoring the hollow feeling his win brought.

" _Fucking bitch_." Lucas curses, but complies anyway and turns into a small convenient store.

Neil jumps out of the car when it parks and walks into the store. He grabs a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, pocketing the remaining five dollars as if he'd be able to use it later.

Whatever he buys today will be confiscated along with whatever left over money he has. Neil deals with this by buying the most expensive packs of cigarettes he can and chain-smoking them in the car, leaving the box empty when his time is up.

Neil gets back in the car and lights a cigarette, not bothering to open the window as he takes a drag, causing Lucas to curse him out more and opening the windows himself.

"The park." Neil says in a cloud of smoke. Lucas grumbles some more, but once again complies.

The park is like a different universe; it's a painful dream Neil can't stop himself from visiting. He must be masochistic, to spend his extremely limited time staring at people who have endless amounts of it. He does it all the same. Watches children running around, screaming with giant grins on their faces while their parents watch on fondly from the sidelines. Neil wonders what's that like, to have a parent that can be _fond_ of you. It's such a foreign concept that even though he's seeing it with his own eyes it's still hard to believe.

Couples walk holding hands, giggling into each other like they're drunk. Neil turns away from them. They make him uncomfortable in a way he's not entirely sure how to express.

Teenagers flock in groups, constantly having outbursts of laughter while one of them does something stupid.

The air is fresh and trees are everywhere and Neil feels like he can finally breathe.

Beside him, Lucas blatantly stares at him, but he stays quiet for once. Something about the park must make Lucas calm too. Or maybe he understands that Neil is different, here. Probably not.

Doesn't really matter, Neil supposes. As long as he's not bothering Neil.

Neil walks around the park for awhile, taking everything in before picking a bench at random. He tries to pick different benches each time, something different in an already set routine.

Lucas sits beside him as always, close enough to grab him if he runs but far enough to give him some space.

Neil lights another cigarette and watches people, hoping to feed off their freedom and make it his, even in just a dream.

He was fifteen when his father gave him to Adrian. Adrian is the head of the criminal world in France, or at least used to be before he was driven out by the Hartford’s.

Now he owns the south and half of the east coast of America. Neil was the bargaining piece that won Beaumont's alliance with the Moriyamas, and Neil's father had no grievances at all about handing him over. (He wonders, sometimes, if his mother would have put up a fight if she had still been alive. He thinks she would, maybe not directly, maybe she would have sent him to his uncle, if she had the chance. Not that it matters. She was dead long before the alliance.)

Now he's almost eighteen if the newspaper at the store had the right date on it. Neil doesn't know how to feel about that. He doesn't think he feels anything really. Maybe anger, and a little desperation about being reminded of how long he's been with Adrian.

Almost three years past and Neil only has half of an escape plan drawn out. It involves bobby pins, a knife, and a place to go after. It's not a solid plan, barely a coherent one.

Neil could run right now. But Lucas would catch him. Even if he didn't he wouldn't get far this close to Adrian's home base. He could scream and make a scene, tell everyone in distance how Lucas kidnapped him. He could get Lucas sent to prison, could have police at each of his side asking him what happened. He could even tell the truth.

It's only a short term solution though. Adrian has cops on his payroll, and Lucas wouldn't stay in prison for long, if he even got to trial. He'd be back where he started, but worse, with more restrictions and even more pain.

Neil watches a bird fly overhead and wishes pointlessly that he had wings.

"You're time is almost up." Lucas says, almost apologetically. Neil sighs, but nods and stands up, knowing it's not good to be late, for either of them.

Neil stubs out his cigarette with his shoe and looks around as he walks slowly back to the car, trying to imprint the images to his brain before he's locked up again for who knows how long. It's because of this that Neil doesn't see the guy running full force towards him, and only has Lucas' shout of "Hey!" as warning for the two hundred and something pounds that knocks him hard into the sidewalk.

"Fuck," Neil gasps out as his head and ribs scream at him in pain.

The man on top of him looks horrified, "Oh my god, oh my god, I'm so sorry I didn't mean to-" He cuts himself off with a yelp as Lucas manhandles the guy off Neil.

"Are you fucking kidding me-" Lucas starts out enraged, only stopped as a kid with blond hair comes up beside him and says, "Let my cousin go before I stab you."

Neil rubs his head, wincing, and sits up to realize the blond kid is not a child and is in fact just a short man, probably not much older then Neil is, and is holding a very sharp knife at Lucas with a dead expression on his face.

Lucas let's the man go, only because he can't pull a gun out in public and they're already causing too much of a scene.

"Whatever," Lucas growls out, "Just watch where you're fucking going next time, prick."

"If we're going to be technical about it," A man that looks oddly similar to the blond midget (fuck, how hard did Neil hit his head?) comes over and points at were Neil is, "he wasn't looking either."

Lucas looks furious. "Are you serious right now-"

"Christ, stop it, Lucas I'm fine." Neil cuts Lucas off, sick of the fighting and the pain in his body. He stands up with a wince and resists the urge to lay down and pass out. "Can we just go now?" Neil says tiredly, suddenly worried they'll be late.

Lucas looks over Neil quickly, making sure no visible bruising occurred. Not because he cares if Neil's hurt, though if Neil was damaged on his watch, Adrian would be _pissed_.

The man who had bulldozed over him earlier starts spooling out apologies again. "I'm really, really, really sorry about running over you and for my cousin threatening your friend, it was totally all my fault, I'm sorry!"

Neil blinks, uncomfortable. "Um, it's okay, really."

"No it isn't you gotta let me make it up to you, do you like ice cream? 'Cause there's this really awesome place around the corner and-"

"No," Lucas says aggressively, grabbing Neil's arm hard enough Neil has to fight off the wince, "we're already late for our plans, step aside and stop causing us trouble if you really want to make it up to him."

The man looks bewildered at this, while the the twin that's still holding a knife looks sharply at the tight hold Lucas has on Neil, before looking Neil in the eyes with a question and more understanding then Neil is comfortable with.

Neil forces his face into something resembling a smile and says, "Maybe another time."

"Yeah," The taller man says, a frown etched in his features, "Another time."

Lucas hauls Neil back to the car grumbling something about children and lack of respect. As they pull away from the park Neil looks back, startled when he sees the blond man staring directly at him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg thank you all so much for the kudos and comments I was shocked at how well this was received it means a lot to me so tysm <3
> 
> Warnings:Implied rape, Dissociation, Non consensual touching, Physical Abuse

Neil's body aches, more so than usual. The last few weeks Adrian has been high strung over something he'd never discuss with Neil, meaning it's work related, meaning Adrian has been furious and stressed and needing an outlet.

Hint: Neil's the outlet.

It's. It's been bad. Worse. Neil finds himself losing time, losing _himself_ , falling deeper into dissociation. He's dissociating right now, he always has been.

 _Neil_. It's not his name, not really. It's what he calls himself when he's not Adrian's. That's _Nathaniel_ , that's his father's mistake and Adrian's whore. But Neil. Neil is his mother's son and all of the defiance that Nathaniel can't conjure up in front of Adrian.

Neil knows, logically, that they're the same person. But sometimes, in these moments, they feel worlds away from the other.

Neil wishes he was worlds away too.

Neil hears the door open and can't help the low moan he muffles into the pillow beneath him.

Adrian comes over to his bedside humming, which has Neil tensing. Adrian humming could mean two things, both vastly different than the other. On one hand he could be in an extremely good mood, the kind of which where he touches Neil causally and talks of nothing for hours. On the other, he could be in an awful mood, his sadism coming to the surface in full, where he hums and grins all the while Neil is screaming and bleeding. And Neil isn't one to be optimistic.

Adrian caresses Neil’s back slowly, lightly dancing over the bare skin as he hums louder. Neil waits for the other shoe to drop, but breathes a sigh of relief as Adrian starts to talk of how well his meeting went, how his previous stress gone.

He talks for an hour like that, sitting on the end of the bed and tracing patterns into Neil's skin as Neil pretends he's listening and not silently recoiling from his touch.

Neil must have underestimated his good mood, though, because he finds himself surprised as Adrian tells him he should go out.

Neil looks at Adrian with wide eyes, searching for some kind of deceit. "Really?" Adrian doesn't work like this, he's never offered Neil time outside. He likes making Neil beg for it.

Adrian just laughs at his confusion. "I'm not a monster Nathaniel, I know how hard I've been on you these last few days." He kisses Neil's shoulder. "You've earned it."

He stands up, not before looking expectantly at Neil. Neil bows his head with a mumbled, "Thank you."

Adrian nods happily, walking to the door, "I'll send Lucas up in fifteen minutes, so be ready." He closes the door, the locks twisting into place.

Neil lays there, stunned for a few moments, before pushing himself out of bed and immediately regretting it, falling to his knees in a silent shout as he clenches his stomach, pain soaring from every direction.

 _Maybe this isn't a gift_ , Neil thinks as he gasps for breath, _maybe it's a punishment, a test of some fucked up sort._

Neil stumbles to the shower, not bothering to put in the energy of shutting the door. Neil watches on unsteady feet as blood gushes down the drain.

Neil puts on similar clothes as before, though taking a significant amount of more time. Neil has his pants halfway up his thighs, biting his lip to silence his pain when Lucas knocks on the door. Neil hears the door knob twist with panic, but it's too late and it's not like Lucas can do anything to him anyway, so he doesn't put any energy in shouting.

Lucas takes one look at him and swears, tugging the door shut tightly. Neil pulls the jeans on finally, buttoning them with shaky hands and pulling the hood of his overly large sweater over his wet hair.

Neil hopes that the hood is enough to hide the bruises at his throat, though there's nothing he can really do to hide the bags under his eyes and decides it really doesn't matter. Neil knocks on the door to let Lucas know he's done and steps out with trembling feet.

Lucas sends him a look that oddly resembles concern, but says nothing as Neil painstakingly makes his way down each step of each staircase, white knuckled grip on the railing and clenched teeth.

It isn't until they're in the car when Neil visibly winces when he sits down that Lucas says anything. "You look like shit."

Neil gives him an unimpressed look. "Fuck, really? And here I was feeling  _so_ great."

Lucas at least has the decency to look sheepish. "That's not- dammit, I meant do you really want to do this? You should really be in bed."

Neil snorts, "Oh yeah, telling Adrian 'no' would go over wonderfully, especially since he thinks he's doing me a favor, gee, why didn't I think of that?"

Lucas looks extremely uncomfortable. "Whatever man." And finally starts to drive.

Neil looks out mindlessly, too overwhelmed with pain to really appreciate it. They stop at the same store as last time and Neil looks over at Lucas, confused.

"I don't have any money." Neil says.

"Yeah well I do, and if we're going to do this pointless road test I might as well make it worth something." He says, leaving the car.

On another day he wouldn't have left Neil in the car alone. Neil could easily hotwire the car in seconds and be in the next state within an hour. Not that he expected to get far from there but still, he could do it.

Not today though. Today even the idea of moving makes Neil want to whimper and curl into a ball. He huddles deeper into his hoodie, dozing out and feeling nauseous.

Neil barely even registers Lucas getting back into the car until something is thrown into his lap, startling him into a panic and flinching something awful before seeing a pack of cigarettes.

Neil stares confused again at Lucas, who isn't looking at him.

"Don't tell Beaumont." He says, and Neil caves to his obvious pity and lights a cigarette with shaky hands.

The smell of smoke helps ease his tension and he sighs into it.

They drive aimlessly for a little before Lucas pulls into the park and Neil yet again gives him a lost look. Lucas says nothing as he rolls down all the windows and lets the spring breeze and the sounds of squealing children travel through the car.

Neil slowly relaxes to the sounds and smells around him.

"Thank you," Neil breathes out, actually meaning it.

Lucas takes a look at him and curses. "Dammit, why do you have to make this so damn difficult?"

"I don't understand." Neil says, exhausted.

"You-" Lucas slams his hand on the dashboard, "You look like you've been run over by ten eighteen-wheelers, why do you sound so goddamn grateful?"

Neil sighs again, taking a long drag of his cigarette. Neil looks at Lucas then, wondering if he looks as tired as he feels. "I'm too damn tired to be angry right now." Neil runs his hand through his hair."You didn't have to buy me cigarettes or take me here, where I almost feel safe, but you did, even though it could cost you. So thanks." _because kindness isn't something I'm given_ , Neil doesn't say. Neil turns away then, aware of every bruise that litters his body, every scar. He says instead, "Small things like this are the only things keeping me sane."

"Fuck me," Lucas says, "you really know how to make me feel guilty, you know that?"

"Can we just," Neil groans,"go back to sitting in silence?"

Lucas finally shuts up for once, breathing out harshly before turning away so he doesn't have to look at Neil.

When their time is up Neil hands the remains of the cigarettes and the lighter to Lucas, who throws them out in a garbage can outside.

The ride is silent, with the exception of Lucas throwing odd glances at Neil all the way back.

Once they get to the house Lucas offers to help Neil up the stairs. Neil almost refuses, not wanting to be touched in anyway, but one attempt of the first step tells Neil he won't be getting the luxury of that and reluctantly agrees to Lucas' help. The feeling of his hands makes Neil want to vomit, and Neil almost does with the pain in his body and the awful recoil he has to touch. Neil already has black spots in his vision when they get to the sixth floor, and Lucas helps Neil into bed, shoes, hoodie and all, before finally taking his hands off Neil and, after a long moment, leaving, the door's locks clicking into place.

Neil feels his conscientiousness leaving him, falling into a black abyss of dreamless sleep, wishing he could stay there forever.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Implied Abuse

Adrian takes a trip up north for a meeting with the Moriyamas. It's a month long trip that Neil is utmost grateful for, finally having time for his body to recuperate and his mind to come to terms with the new load of trauma that was dropped on it a few weeks ago.

Slowly his aches heal and his bruises fade, most turning into a molten shade of yellow. The ones around his wrists are still red and easily agitated, but he can finally walk without it being painful, so he'll take what he can.

A week has past since Adrian left, so Neil understandably spooks when the door to the room opens before the standard meal time.

His paranoia only partially fades when he sees it to be Lucas. "Can I help you?" Neil says cautiously.

"Yeah, get dressed, we're going for a ride." Neil must have misheard him.

"Excuse me?"

"Get dressed, we're leaving in ten." And then he closes the door.

Neil sits there for a moment to contemplate what the fuck just happened. He changes his pants and zips up a hoodie, all the while furrowing his eyebrows.

He knocks on the door to signal he's ready and Lucas says nothing as they make their way to the car.

"Cigarettes?" He asks down the road, and that's the last straw.

"Okay, what the fuck is going on? Why are you taking me out like this is a normal drive? Did Adrian ask you to do this? Does he even know? Fuck, do you know what he'll do to you if he finds out? What he'll do to _me_?" Neil blurts out.

Lucas snorts, as if it's Neil who's gone insane right now. "Relax, Adrian said I should let you out at least a few times from keeping you from going crazy. Besides, the last time you were out you didn't exactly get to enjoy it so." He shrugs.

Neil stares at him, looking for the lie. Finding none he deflates into his seat. "Why? Why are you being so nice to me?"

Lucas shifts uncomfortably. "I. I may or may not have been a little unfair to you over the years."

Neil gives him a look of disbelief. "A little?"

Lucas looks embarrassed, which kind of pisses Neil off. "More than a little, okay. Fuck it's just- I don't know, seeing you beat to shit, the scars on your legs man-" He cuts himself off with a shake of his head and Neil freezes. His scars? When did Lucas-? Oh, right. When he had his pants halfway down in front of him. Showing the scars. _Fuck_.

"Fuck." Neil says out loud, for good measure. It seems Neil was wrong, though. Lucas might just be the perfect guy to show your weaknesses to, as apparently, Lucas actually has a conscious.

"Yeah, fuck. And those scars did- did Adrian-"

"Don't." Neil says coldly. "Don't ask. It's not like you don't already know the answer." Neil looks away.

Lucas breathes out an, "Okay," before turning into a random store's parking lot and handing Neil a twenty.

"Don’t take too long." He says, but the usual aggressive edge is lost in the awkward tension between them.

Neil grabs a pocket of cigarettes and a lighter and gives the change back to Lucas when he gets in the car.

The way to the park is familiar by now so Neil doesn't ask where they're going.

They park and get out, Neil breathing in the fresh air and welcoming the sounds of life and almost smiles.

They pass around the bend, walking slow. Lucas didn't say anything about a time limit and Neil feels content to stretch out their walk. A few people stare at him longer then he'd like and feels confused until Lucas catches his eyes and awkwardly points to his throat which, oh, isn't covered since he forgot to pull his hood up.

"Oh." Neil says, tugging the hood on swiftly to hide the lingering bruises.

Neil picks a bench near a nice cluster of trees and sits down. He watches people walk by and talk and laugh and lets himself relax in the atmosphere.

It's disturbed ten minutes later, as Lucas' phone goes off with that obnoxious pop song that signals Rebecka with a 'k' is calling and Lucas stares at it with obvious confliction. Neil watches his inner turmoil boil for a moment before sighing.

"For fucks sake, answer it, I have had plenty of chances to run off, if I was that stupid I'd have done it already."

More turmoil on Lucas' part before he says sternly, "Five minutes."

Neil rolls his eyes, "Just go, Christ."

Lucas picks ups the phone, a ridiculously loving tone to his voice as he stands up and turns further into the trees for some privacy.

Neil lights a cigarette and let's his head fall back with a sigh, happy for the silence and isolation.

"Do you live here or something?" Neil startles hard, snapping his eyes open to see the blond midget that once held Lucas at knife point staring at him with a bland expression.

Neil raise a brow at his question. "You’ve only seen me here once."

"I've seen you here a number of times, I only interacted with you once." He corrects, sitting next to Neil and lighting a cigarette of his own.

Neil feels every muscle in him tense. Being noticed has never done any good for him. "The fuck, are you a stalker?"

The man gives him an unimpressed look. "I work at a store around the block. I come out here for breaks. You're here often enough not to miss."

Neil stares at him for a moment, awfully confused by this entire conversation. "Then why are you talking to me?"

The man stares at him a little more then shrugs. "I'll answer your question if you answer one of mine."

"Okay," Neil says slowly, "tell me your name then."

The man lifts a brow at this. "Andrew. Yours?"

Neil contemplates saying Nathaniel but what comes out is, "Neil." Andrew nods and takes another drag.

Neil tilts his head. "So why are you talking to me?"

Andrew gives him a look that Neil doesn't know how to distinguish and says, "You don't make sense. It's irritating."

Neil isn't any less confused.

"So who gave you those bruises?"

Andrew points at his neck and Neil feels his heart skip. This was a bad idea. "It doesn't matter." He says sharply before pulling his collar higher.

"That's not an answer," Andrew says, a slight frown on his face.

"It's the only one you're getting." Neil says coldly, suddenly wishing Lucas would wrap up his phone call sooner.

"Is it that guy you're always with?"

"No."

Andrew looks like he doesn't believe him.

"Is he your boyfriend?"

Neil glares at him. "No! I thought this was a give and take, what's with the interrogation? This isn't domestic abuse or whatever you think it is, so just drop it okay?"

Andrew seems a little taken aback by his outburst. "Alright." Andrew takes a drag and looks away. "You can ask me two questions or tell me to fuck off if you want."

Neil's very tempted to tell him to fuck off. Very. It's just that, well, Neil doesn't really get to talk to people very often, and while this has been annoying and kind of awful, it hasn't been boring.

Neil sighs. He points to the black bands on Andrew's arms, remembering when they first met and asked, "Fine. Where do you work that allows you to carry conceived weapons?" Neil didn't know much about working in retail but he figured knives strapped to your arms wasn't something typically allowed.

Andrew for the first time today looks off guard. It doesn't last long as he schools his expression and touches one of his armbands. "Sweeties. And they don’t know they’re there. I told them it was covering scar tissue."

Neil looks at the way Andrew is clenching his arm and asks, "Are they?"

"Yes." There's no shame in his voice, no hesitation.

Neil suddenly realizes why Andrew is talking to him. There's something hauntingly alluring about familiar darkness, and as Neil looks into Andrew's eyes he sees a reflection of himself. It's more than he ever wanted to know about a random stranger.

"I," Neil starts, but a hand grabs him roughly by the arm and drags him to his his feet before he could finish the thought. Neil drops his cigarette in surprise and nearly elbows his assailant in the dick before recognizing Lucas' colorful cursing and stopping himself short.

"Fuck! What did I say about leaving him alone, you little bastard?" Lucas rages at Andrew, giving Neil a shake for emphasis.

"Lucas." Neil says softly and with warning, trying to convene 'don't make a scene in public' and hoping Lucas gets the message.

Andrew stands up slowly, taking the time to stub out his cigarette, emitting control in a way that Neil feels a sharp pang of jealousy over before he can ignore the unusual feeling.

"Probably the part where you never said it." Andrew says, bored, hands in his pockets and looking like he couldn't give a damn if Lucas _had_ said it regardless.

"You think I don't know what I fucking said?" Lucas says, obviously not getting the memo. Neil rolls his eyes. Fucking ridiculous.

"I know you don't, _Lucas_." Andrew says mockingly. Andrew's gaze flickers to where Lucas still has his hand wrapped around Neil's arm in a death grip, and really it's no wonder he thought Lucas was abusing him.

"Hey." Neil says sharply before tugging his arm away from Lucas. "Can we not do this here?" He hisses out.

Lucas finally realizes the eyes around them and shakes his head. "Whatever. I'm taking you home, come on." He grabs Neil's hand and pulls him away from Andrew, heading towards the car.

Andrew says nothing, but as Neil looks back Andrew is staring at him with an intensity that makes Neil feel more exposed than he's ever before.

On the ride back Lucas' knuckles are white around the steering wheel as he says tightly, "We can't go back."

Neil slumps in the passenger seat. "I know." It was too much of a risk, now. Someone talking to Neil and taking an interest could spark questions not too far away from Andrew’s earlier accusations.

They couldn't go back to the park.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a little little short but two chapters up this time so it makes up for it  
> Also thank you all so much for the kudos and comments omg you guys are amazing, i havent had the chance to go through all the comments and respond to them but i plan on doing it!
> 
> Warnings:Dissociation, Implied rape, Implied child abuse, The ptsd kind of apathy, Stockholm syndrome-like thoughts

He isn't Neil today. Not between these four walls, not under this dim light, not with Adrian over him.

He woke up with a feeling of being void, with nothingness on his tongue, with phantom blades and distorted memories of how to use them.

Today, he's Nathaniel.

And Nathaniel doesn't move a muscle, not when Adrian comes in, not when he takes off his clothes, not when he pushes him down, hands around Nathaniel's neck as he-

Nathaniel doesn't fight. Nathaniel doesn't have Neil's angry passion or even desire to be upset. Nathaniel doesn't feel, it's easier this way, the best way to survive, and that's all Nathaniel wants anyway.

To survive.

Nathaniel doesn't want the extra time Adrian has been causally handing out to him over the last few weeks. Nathaniel wants to stay inside where he's less likely to find trouble and away from people. Nathaniel doesn't want to risk making a mistake.

But refusing Adrian would be a mistake. So Nathaniel goes.

He doesn't speak. Not unless Adrian speaks to him. Nathaniel understands the unspoken rules here.

But he doesn't speak to Lucas. Not when he asks where Nathaniel wants to go nor when he curses Nathaniel out for his silence.

They don't stop for cigarettes. Lucas is familiar with Nathaniel on these days enough to know he won't accept them.

They drive aimlessly for the entire hour, Lucas turning on an obnoxious combination of rap and pop music on the highest volume to spite Nathaniel. Nathaniel doesn't acknowledge this. Nathaniel doesn't particularly care.

Nathaniel is locked up once more when they get back. Nathaniel feels disturbed by how he feels relief.

Nathaniel hates this part, this uncertainty. Neil wouldn't do this, Neil wouldn't doubt that he does not want to be here, Neil would not doubt that this place is hell and he doesn't deserve any of it. Neil is confident in his belief that this is wrong.

Nathaniel isn't as resilient as Neil, nor as self assured. Nathaniel lets doubt creep into the corners of his mind, let's it pull him further down the hole of darkness.

Sometimes Nathaniel thinks it’s not too bad. It could be worse, Adrian could be worse. He could be with his father still, could be torn open with knifes, could be under his command instead of Adrian's, and Adrian leaves him alone most of the time, giving him too much time, so much time to think, think about if it's really as bad as he's making it out to be, if it's-

It's probably Stockholm syndrome. It was only a matter of time, Nathaniel supposes. Years of violence of all sorts finally catching up to him, these four walls finally collapsing around him, Neil's firm resolve to not be broken slipping out from underneath Nathaniel's uncertainty and folding in on it's own shattered surface.

Nathaniel hates Neil, sometimes, for what he means, what he represents. A hope long lost in the hands of his father as he sold him to the devil.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings:implied abuse, dissociation, implied rape, Adrian should be his own warning tbh

Neil had only made it three months before his first escape attempt. There was a time when the room ( _Not his, not his_ ) was on the first floor, with only a standard lock to keep it shut. Neil had broken off a piece of the bed frame (wooden then, not like the metal it is now) and picked the lock once he knew the schedules of the maids and Adrian by heart. He made it to the front door before a guard tackled him to the ground and sedated him. Five months after that he tried again, without a wooden bed frame and through a regular lock and a deadbolt. He decided not to bother with either and broke a window with the bathroom mirror that he unscrewed with his fingernails. His hands and knees were bloody with broken glass and he only made it halfway across the lawn before he was caught again. The third and last time happened nearly a year later, he was on the sixth floor, in a room different than the one he's in now, and had managed to smuggle in a light from his time outside. The door then was wooden and thin, though the locks were the same. Neil did it at night, when Adrian was sure to be sleeping and the house was quiet. He put the lighter to the door, hoping he could get it done before the smell reached anyone. He'd burn it until it caught on fire, patted it out with the heaviest pair of his jeans soaked in water, then started again. His fingertips were burned and blistered by the time he was able to make a hole big enough to stick his hand through. He undid the locks without seeing, painstakingly and scared out of his mind, but he undid them. It took too much time though, the whole process did. A maid was started a morning cleaning and yelled at the sight of him on the second floor.

(There's a smoke detector now, right outside of the heavy set door made of metal.)

He stopped trying after that. The punishments had done something to him, taken something from him, and the urge to run, to flee, to get _out_ , was distinguished by fear and pain and the idea that waiting this out would be better.

It didn't get better, it got worse, and worser still, but Adrian let him out more, almost every time he asked he'd be allowed to leave, to smoke, to take a break, to walk around the park and feel something resembling peace before being thrown right back into the horrors of that mansion.

But the park is gone, and so are the breaks.

Neil should have known this would happen, that Adrian's charitable mood would only last so long. Maybe this was his plan all along, to give Neil something good so he could take it away.

Adrian's stopped offering breaks. When Neil asks Adrian doesn't respond. It's been weeks, maybe, months, possibly.

Long enough at least for Neil to remember that urge. The one he always gets when he wants to run. The one he always gets when he wants to do something reckless.

Bobby pins, a knife, and a place to go after.

\----------

"May I go outside today?" Neil asks in french, tentative, meek. "Please." He adds, pushing down the sick feeling in his throat.

"Hmm." Adrian says, in that voice he thinks makes him sound important yet only succeeds in making him sound like an asshole. "No."

Neil could twist a bed sheet. He could wait by the door tomorrow, tackle Adrian down, and strangle him with it. If he can get Adrian on his stomach, if he could do it between the maids shifts maybe-

There's too many variables. A guard could be around, Lucas could be the one opening the door, if Neil can't get Adrian to the ground Adrian could easily overpower him.

He should start working out. It's not a plan, but maybe it could be a detail that helps form one.

The next morning he does push ups. 5, 10, 20, 30, 50. Neil's out of breath, his arms shake and collapse beneath him, everything feels strained. Neil shouldn't be this out of shape.

He goes into the bathroom and shut the door. He'll try for more later, when his body is better adjusted to the stress. The cold water from the shower feels nice against his skin.

Neil feels the odd urge to smile. It's been a long time since he's felt comfortable within his own skin.

The door to the bathroom opens.

Falling into a false sense of security is a mistake he can't seem to stop making. Neil should know better.

Neil loses time. It happens, more than it should, more than is healthy. Another form of dissociation, maybe. Neil wonders when it stops being dissociation and starts becoming something more permanent. Something more irreversible.

He's in the bathroom. He's not in the bathroom. He's on the bed. He doesn't want to be on the bed.

There are handcuffs. There is Adrian.

There is no Adrian. The handcuffs are gone. There's blood on the sheets. He's still on the bed.

He looks at the welts that ring his wrists. Dried blood is smeared down his arms. It's been a while. Neil should get out of bed.

But he's not Neil, not now. Hes Nathaniel, and Nathaniel doesn't want to get out of the bed yet. Nathaniel knows that pain will come with moving.

 _Stop this,_ he thinks. _Stop acting like this. Get out of bed. Do something._

No use. Nathaniel stays.

Neil is tired. Neil closes his eyes.

Nathaniel stays awake.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this chapter made sense i wrote it at one in the morning and i've been editing it half asleep  
> (by the way if anyone has questions on anything from trigger warnings to just rambling about the foxhole court my tumblr is rewritingthestars and im always willing to cry over books)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gosh this is super late and I apologize! Life has been hectic and writing hasn't been my priority save finals and essays unfortunately, which will continue to be hectic for another week. But dont worry! I dont plan on abandoning this fic and will have a more consistent posting once my finals are done 
> 
> Warnings: Non-consensual touching, dissociation, implied child abuse, mentioned physical abuse

There’s something insistently boring about being held captive.

Time moves slowly between abuse, with nothing more to do than to stare at walls and think of more escape plans that will inevitably fail. Nathaniel doesn't particularly want to think of escape plans though. Nathaniel doesn't see the point.

A small part of him wishes for some paper, or even a pen. Pencil, paint, something to leave a mark on the bright pink that stares back at him from every direction. Nathaniel remembers, vaguely, distantly, a time where he had notebooks filled with drawings and sketches, hidden away under a pulled floorboard so his father wouldn't see them. (It was his mother in the end who found them and made sure to dispose each and every one of them, after punishing him for being so stupid. He never picked up a pencil, after that lesson.)

Nathaniel has no paper though, or pencils or paints. Nathaniel has four walls and bolted furniture and a painting he wants to see burn.

He could move, he supposes.

Nathaniel stares at the lightly colored pink walls. He doesn't move.

Moving is pointless, he decides. His body has yet to heal since Adrian's last visit. Moving would mean pain, and pain only brings more pain, and really why should he leave his bed anyway-  
He calls it _his_.

_He calls it his_.

And just like that he's not Nathaniel, he’s Neil and he's gagging, fumbling off the mattress and rushing over to the toilet to vomit up his stomach acid. He called it _his_.

Neil can't stay here. He needs to leave. Sixty, thirty, ten minutes, whatever, it doesn't matter how long, he just needs to get out.

\----------

"Please," Neil starts, in french, because he's desperate enough to ignore his pride and sense of being, "May I go out today, sir?" He even tacks on a sir, for good measure, because Adrian likes being reminded of his power and Neil says it rarely enough that it should work as an advantage.

_It's another game_ , Neil thinks. Or Neil pretends it is anyway. A puzzle with trigger words to unlock the door. Neil's body is the maze, and he twists it around Adrian's shoulders to score more points. Sickness pools into his stomach and Neil pushes it back in his priorities, behind his will to get out. Adrian hums, caressing Neil's arm that's wrapped around his neck.

It's almost bearable, Neil thinks, if he believes this is a game he can win.

"I suppose," Adrian drags out slowly, and Neil tries not to let hope well up inside him. There's a catch, because there's always a catch, and Neil can hear it dangling from Adrian's voice and materializing from Adrian's smile. Hope is a fruitless venture, Neil reminds himself. He will pay for this small piece of freedom.

\----------

The brightness from outside hurts Neil's eyes and forms a headache within moments of leaving his prison. The clothes he wears sits uncomfortably over his injures. He took his hoodie even though it's well above 80 degrees outside to cover the bruising around his wrists, leaving him hot and sweaty. Walking is an obstacle of itself, his legs weak and wobbly from days of laying in bed. His muscles ache and scream with every step, commanding him to sit down already.

Neil feels the best he's had in days.

Lucas is rather quiet today, something Neil is entirely grateful for. The town passes by in the view of the passenger seat and Neil breathes it in, trying to memorize every tree and house and bench, fearing slightly that he might never see them again.

Ten minutes into the drive they start circling around blocks, and Neil is reminded that the park is no longer allowed. There isn't another park in the distance Adrian would allow Neil to go, and with limited places to walk and wonder, Lucas turns the car left again, another full circle around the same block.

This isn't the first time Neil's had something taken away from him. His life to this point has been a series of other people tearing him down to nothing, and this should be no different. Even still, Neil feels a deep sadness he hasn't felt in years, a mourning kind of pain that hurts his chest and makes it hard to breathe. It's never been good, to want things you can't have, but that's never stopped Neil from wanting. And _god_ , does he want.

"Turn right at the second light," Neil says abruptly.

Lucas gives him a look somewhere between irritated and pitying and says, "I'm not taking you to the park."

"I don't want to go to the park," Neil lies. "Just do it."

Lucas groans but complies, turning at the light and driving the way towards the park. Neil directions him around the block clumsily, as Neil himself isn't sure where it is, but soon enough they're parked a half a block away from a colorful shop with 'Sweeties' pasted largely above the door.

Neil turns to Lucas. "Twenty minutes."

Lucas looks at him confused. "What?"

"I want twenty minutes, without you shadowing me, in that shop."

"Are you fucking- _no_ , what the hell Nathaniel?"

"I just want to buy a coffee, for Christ sakes, there's only one entrance, the walls are glass, even if i did run I wouldn't get far, and-" Neil cuts himself off with a shudder that isn't entirely fake, "I know what would happen to me if I do."

Lucas looks at him with a twisted expression, fidgeting in his seat and squeezing the steering wheel under his fists, looking out the window and nodding to himself. He lets out a controlled breath and says, "Five minutes."

Neil snorts. "Fifteen."

"Ten, and if you don't take that then I'm taking you home I swear to fuck."

"Deal," Neil grins, and Lucas looks shocked. Neil doesn't let him have time to change his mind, tearing off his seat belt and jumping out of the car and walking quickly into the shop.

A soft bell rings above him as he enters, and Neil is quickly bombarded with the color orange. Neon paint streaks the walls like acid, chairs and table tops glitter in the same hue, only the occasional pinks and whites peak through the sea of bright orange.

Looking around, Neil isn't sure what he expected. There's a back door that reads 'Employees Only' in large print, and a corridor that leads to the bathrooms. Neil instantly rules them both out as possible exits the second the idea came into his head. He wasn't lying when he said he knew what would be done to him if he ran.

No one else seems to be in the place, an irritating pop song that Neil's never heard plays quietly overhead, the only other sounds being a muffled sniffle that has Neil looking at the register.

Neil takes in the small girls ragged clothes and the ten dirt stained dimes she lays out on the counter, a trembling hand counting and recounting as if a new dime would magically appear. The man at the front counter looks pained as he tells a small child that they don’t have enough. A boy even smaller than her looks confused as he tugs at the girl's skirt.

"I'm really sorry-"

"Hey," Neil interrupts the cashier, "What's the most expensive ice cream you got?"

"Uh," he says, glancing at the children before glaring at Neil, "The sundae special with everything on it probably-"

"Great, I’ll get one of those and a small black coffee." Neil says, handing the man a twenty over the trembling kids. The man snatches the twenty with a glare before going to work, hitting the machines as he goes.

"Here." He says, holding out an ice cream monstrosity that hurts Neil's stomach from just looking at it.

"Oh no," Neil says as he takes it, "I just remembered I don't like sweets." Neil looks down to the children that are eying the ice cream with a hunger Neil recognizes for more than starvation. "Could you do me a favor and eat this ice cream for me? I wouldn’t want it to go to waste."

The girl stares with unbelieving wide eyes for a few moments, waiting for the punchline. When none comes she whispers, "Are you sure?"

"Yes," Neil nods very seriously, "Do you think the two of you could finish it?"

They both nod rapidly, and Neil hands the sundae to the girl. "Thank you so much!" The girl squeals, running to a table in the back followed closely by what had to be her brother.

Neil smiles softly as they leave.

"That was really nice of you," The cashier says with an apologetic smile, "Sorry if I was rude earlier, it just breaks my heart you know? I can't pay for customers meal out of store policy, but between you and me, I was just about to, my job be damned."

"Oh." Neil says, mostly because he can't say _'I_ _was going to buy it anyway to spite the man holding me prisoner.'_

The man stares at Neil as he shifts uncomfortably under the attention, glancing at the clock and feeling anxiety as each hand moves. "Um, can I get that coffee?"

"Oh, right! And I completely forgot to give you your change-"

"It's fine," Neil says, "Keep it."

The man looks slightly bewildered. "Are you sure, man?"

Neil tries something on he hopes looks like a smile, "You'll get more use out of it then me."

"Wow, thanks! You- you're just- I'm Matt by the way, nice to meet you!" The man gives him a sunshine smile and Neil isn't sure what to do in the face of it.

"Neil," He says, quietly.

"Neil," Matt repeats, nodding, like Neil just told him something fascinating.

Neil shifts again, the clock's ticking pulses through his nerves. "So, um, that coffee?"

"Shit, right! One black coffee coming up!"

As Matt turns around, messing with another machine, Neil looks around again, searching. Neil feels uncomfortable, but this is the most freedom Neil's had in a long time. Neil doesn't see Andrew anywhere, and finds himself relieved and slightly disappointed. Neil decides not to think about the second part, and looks up from his thoughts as a still smiling Matt places a warm coffee on the counter.

"All yours man!" Matt says, and Neil attempts again to give him a small smile back as he reaches for the cup. As he takes the cup, Matt suddenly frowns, staring at Neil's hands, and Neil looks to see the sleeve of his hoodie slipped down enough to reveal blackened bruises the size of fingertips. Neil immediately snatches his hand back, grabbing the coffee with the other and saying a rushed thank you before stepping away from the counter. _That wasn't suspicious at all._

"Neil-"

"It was nice meeting you Matt!" Neil calls over his shoulder, opening the diner's door and quickly walking back to the car.

"Cutting it close, Wesninski." And Neil barely restrains the flinch that comes with hearing his last name.

"Fuck off, Lucas." Neil snarls in response, and ignores Lucas' curses as he starts the car.

Neil glances into the window of Sweeties, hoping Matt wasn't watching him, only to freeze as yellow eyes meet his. Andrew is tying on his apron, staring directly at the car as they pass by.

Neil uses his remaining ten minutes to nurse his coffee, trying not to think of Matt and Andrew and Sweeties and comes to the surprising conclusion that he wants to go back.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you caught the handmaids tale ref in this chapter youre now my friend congrats


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is super late and i apologize! I was planning to have this out right after my finals finished but then i got really sick :// But hey! Now that everything settled i can finally get on a scheduled posting, so i should have the next chapter up by next friday (if i dont feel free to yell at me)
> 
> Warnings: Implied abuse, Implied child abuse, non consensual touching, non consensual kissing

Paranoia is familiar to Neil like his mother's hand used to be when it bruised Neil's arm for talking to harshly to his father. Paranoia is the whispers that make him move before a fatal injury, is the scream right before the fall, is his mother's voice telling him to be quiet, to sit still, to stay, to run, to-

His father used to call paranoia a coward's weakness. His mother used to call it a means of survival.

Neil is intimately aware of his instincts. Hyper vigilance has been imbedded into him since childhood, and only proved to be right over and over again throughout his life.

So when Adrian places two crisp twenty dollar bills in his hand and asks him if he'd like to go outside, Neil listens to the paranoia that wells inside him when it says this isn't right.

Neil stares at the green paper in his hand and wants to drop it. Neil wants to roll it into a ball, chuck it at Adrian's head, and tell him to go fuck himself. Neil wants to take the money, buy a gun, and unload its magazine in Adrian's face.

Instead, Neil continues to stare at the paper in confusion.

Adrian just laughs, "Don't you have something to say to me, Nathaniel?" Adrian takes hold of Neil's chin and forces Neil to look him in the eyes. Adrian is smiling something awful, his eyes glowing with a sick satisfaction. Neil can feel every muscle in his body go on edge. This is a trick. Or a test. Or something worse.

Neil takes a shuddering breath and says, "Thank you."

"Hmm, I think I deserve a little more than that, don't I?" Adrian pulls Neil closer, something almost playful in his expression that makes Neil feel sick, "Oh, I know! How about a kiss?"

Neil's blood runs cold. It's not like Adrian has never kissed him before, but Neil has never initiated anything between them. Is this Adrian's plan? To offer Neil pieces of false freedom in exchange for Neil's false consent? Neil wants to scream. Neil wants to vomit. Neil thought there wasn't anything left for Adrian to take from him.

And yet.

Neil waits for Adrian to kiss him, to get it over with, to settle Neil's fears. But time continues to pass with only Adrian's bruising grip on his face as an indicator, and Neil knows he's right.

Neil closes his eyes. Neil doesn't want to be here. Neil doesn't want to do this. He tries to hold on to that, on to his revulsion and pain and _anger_ as he presses his lips onto Adrian's.

Time passes. Neil pulls back. Adrian leaves. Neil walks to the bathroom. He closes the door. Neil sits down. Breathe in. Breathe out. He stands. Under the shower. Wait until the water runs cold. He gets out. He dresses. He follows Lucas out to the car.

The sky is a gradient of blue today. Neil thinks about that, as they drive, and not the ghost of Adrian's month touching his.

\----------

Sweeties is as nauseatingly orange as it was before. For some reason, it settles Neil's stomach instead of bothering it. There something about it's vibrancy that pushes Neil back into the present, away from faded time and memories.

The shop has more people in it this time, and Neil tries not to feel dissuaded by this. Lucas is giving him fifteen minutes today. Neil wonders how many visits it will take before he can spend his entire hour alone.

"Well, look, park boy is alive! How disappointing. I had made plans for your funeral and everything." Neil snaps his head to the source of the voice, only to find Andrew, looking bored as ever.

Neil kind of wants to punch him. Neil also kind of wants to run. Neil decides against both and cautiously walks over to the cashier counter.

"Where's your not boyfriend?" Andrew says.

"My not-" Neil says in confusion until he realizes Andrew is talking about Lucas.

"Oh." Neil says with a roll of his eyes, "Not here, evidently."

Andrew raises a brow, "Really? He's _not_ hiding somewhere in the store ready to punch whoever you talk to again?"

Neil winces, as Andrew has a point, then glares, "He doesn't own me."

"Who does?" Andrew says, and Neil tenses. Neil is an idiot. Neil is a moron. Neil is going to get this stranger killed.

" _No one owns me_." Neil growls out, the bitterness of the lie almost clogging his throat. Andrew looks unimpressed.

"Are you going to whine all day or are you going to buy something? You know this is a business right?" Andrew says tonelessly, and Neil definitely wants to punch him now.

"You-" Neil strains out, but stops himself short of cursing the man out, "A large black coffee."

"Sugar, cream?"

"Just plain."

In the first show of emotion today, Andrew looks disgusted. "One foul bitter bean water, would you like the package deal that comes with that? It adds misery and the depletion of taste buds for free."

Neil snorts, "I think I'm good, thanks."

"Suit yourself. $4.99."

Neil hands him the two twenties. "Keep the change."

"No." Andrew says instantly.

"What do you mean 'no'?" Neil says annoyed.

"I'm not taking a thirty five dollar tip Neil, what the hell."

"What's the problem? I don't want it so you might as well keep it."

Andrew looks at Neil like he's stupid, "You could use this."

Neil kind of wants to laugh. He also kind of wants to cry. "So could you."

"I don't need nor want charity, especially yours."

Neil rolls his eyes. "This isn't charity."

"Then what is it?"

Spite. Anger. Acceptance. The knowledge that Neil is nothing, a fantasy, that his time ends when the clock starts chiming and back to being Nathaniel he goes. It's easier to give it away, than to have it taken from him. Neil says, "Me being nice?" Neil smiles falsely and bats his eyelashes.

Andrew snorts, "Bullshit. A real answer or I'm not accepting this."

"Because I can." Neil says softly, because it's true. This is one of the smallest freedoms he has left to exercise.

Andrew stares at him for a while, before taking the money. Andrew presses a few buttons on some machines and soon after has a steaming cup outstretched towards Neil.

Neil nods in thanks and takes the cup, only to nearly drop it when he tastes a flavor distinctively not black coffee. The smell of earl gray is a distinct one, and the sweetened taste of it on his tongue feels utterly nostalgic. Neil's mom always smelled like earl gray. His father hated how she constantly brewed it, but his mother held on stubbornly to the tradition. It was her escape, Neil realizes, ten years after the fact. It was her escape from his father, to a time where she was happier, freer. Earl gray was his mother's hour at the park.

Andrew stares at him quizzically, and Neil shakes the memories and revelations out of his head, and takes another sip. "Jokes on you," Neil says, "I actually like sweet tea."

Andrew stares at him like he's a math problem. "You don't make sense."

Neil shrugs and takes another drink of the tea. "I'm not boring." Neil offers.

"Definitely not that." Andrew allows.

Neil looks at the clock and is surprised to see his time is almost up. His fear must show on his face because Andrew suddenly looks defensive. "What?"

Neil schools his expression and scolds himself internally for being such an easy read. "Nothing, just remembered I have to do something." Neil forces himself not to cringe at the shitty excuse and instead fakes a smile as he holds up the tea. "Thanks for the not coffee."And turns around before his smile can disintegrate.

"Neil wait."

Neil hesitates, and considers not stopping, but allows his curiosity to look over his shoulder. "Yeah?"

Andrew looks the same, expressionless and bored, but his fist is clenched so tightly around the counter his knuckles are white. "Stay."

Neil should've just left. His chest aches and his legs hurt and his eyes sting. Neil wants so badly to. Neil doesn't want to go back.

Neil can't force the smile back on. It's taking everything in him not to let his emotions show. "I already said I have something to do-"

"Stop letting them hurt you."

Ice seeps into his veins, his head is reeling, realty is bending- "Goodbye, Andrew." He says briskly, quickly getting out of the shop and hurrying over to the suffocating air of Lucas' car.

Lucas is smiling, looking at his phone and not seeming to realize Neil is at least three minutes late. Rebecka with a 'k''s name is plastered on the top of the screen before it goes black, and Lucas is pulling out from the shop and onto the road.

Neil doesn't look at Sweeties as the drive by. Neil doesn't think of Andrew or his familiar blank eyes. Neil drinks his tea and lets the smell bring him back to days where he almost thought he had a chance.


End file.
